LITTLE TONY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little
TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."
"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is
delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is
gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the
top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father ?
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.
"But that's right !" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"
"What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father.
"That's what I said !"

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word ?"
TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to
go to the bathroom.He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss
!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please
use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you
to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN !"

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR 11
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful !'"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot
your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

OKAY..SO HERE'S THE STORY:

MY BOYFRIEND AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 2 YEARS.  WE SEEM TO GET ALONG VERY WELL AND HARDLY EVER FIGHT.  WE PLANNED ON GETTING A HOUSE TOGETHER IN THE SPRING.  SO, WE WERE STAYING AT EACH OTHERS PARENTS HOUSE.  SO, IN JULY 2005, I GOT AN APARTMENT.  HE LIVES WITH ME, BUT I PAY ALL THE BILLS, IN THE MEANTIME HE SAVES FOR OUR HOUSE.  SO, HE JUST RECENTLY GOT IN TROUBLE AND CANNOT DRIVE.  I GET UP EVERY MORNING A HOUR EARLY TO TAKE HIM TO WORK, AND THEN I WAIT FOR HIS CALL TO PICK HIM UP FROM WORK.  I ALSO DRIVE HIM TO EVERY ALCOHOL CLASS HE HAS.  I COOK, I CLEAN, ETC.  WELL, IM ON THIS DIET, AND I AM TRYING TO DO THE BEST I CAN EXERCISING WITH NO EQUIPTMENT OR GYM.  I FOUND THESE STRENGTH TRAINING EXERCISES IN A MAGAZINE.  DO YOU REALIZE HOW HARD IT IS TO HOLD A MAGAZINE, READ THE EXERCISE, AND DO THE EXERCISE?!?

SO, LAST NIGHT, AFTER I PICK HIM UP FROM WORK, DO HIS LAUNDRY, AND MAKE HIM DINNER, I ASK HIM IF HE WILL READ THE EXERCISE TO ME SO I CAN DO IT.  HE SAID NO.  OF COURSE, I THREW MY LITTLE FIT, THREW MY MAGAZINE DOWN, AND SLAMMED A BUNCH OF DOORS.  SO HE GOT UP TOOK A SHOWER, GOT DRESSED AND LEFT.  SAID HE WAS WALKING TO HIS DADS HOUSE AND WILL FIND HIS OWN RIDES.  OF COURSE I CALL HIM APOLOGIZING, ALTHOUGH I DON'T KNOW WHAT I APOLOGIZED FOR, AND  BEGGING HIM TO COME BACK.  I FEEL LIKE A FAKE...BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I DID WRONG.  I DO SO MUCH FOR HIM...AND I ENJOY DOING THOSE THINGS FOR HIM.  IT SEEMS LIKE ANY LITTLE THING I ASK HIM TO DO, HE WOULD RATHER FALL OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH?

WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO/SHOULD HAVE DONE?

BY THE WAY, ZOEY IS HOME AND WELL.  THE ONLY THING IS, SHE SMELLS DIFFERENT.  LIKE A HOSPITAL.

CALORIES

CARBS

FAT

PROTEIN

Bread, whole wheat (including toast), 2 slice 256 47 5 8 I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, Light Spread (Soft), 1 Tbsp, 1 serving 50 0 5 0 drink, 1 serving 60 16 0 0 Banana, fresh, 1 extra small (less than 6" long) 75 19 0 1

Baked Lay's, 1 oz 110 23 2 2 drink, 1 serving 60 16 0 0 Subway 6" Turkey Breast Sub, 1 serving 281 46 5 18 Subway Onions, 1 serving 5 1 0 0 Subway Green Peppers (3 strips), 1 serving 2 0 0 0 Subway Tomato (3 wheels), 1 serving 7 2 1 0 Subway Lettuce, 1 serving 3 0 0 0

Bread, whole wheat (including toast), 1 slice 128 24 2 4 Onions, raw, 1 rings 2 1 0 0 Green Peppers (bell peppers), 0.25 cup, strips 9 2 0 0 Baked Lays Sour Cream & Onion, 2 oz 240 42 6 4 Turkey breast meat, 1 slices 22 1 0 4 American Cheese, 1 slice (1 oz) 106 0 9 6

None

CALORIES

CARBS

FAT

PROTEIN

1,417

240

35

47

1200 - 1550

135 - 252

27 - 60

30 - 136

I DID MY STRENGTH TRAINING EXERCISE!

juice stop coach's blend smoothie, 1 serving 334 76 1 5

Hormel Always Tender Boneless Pork Loin, Fresh Pork, 1 serving 162 1 8 21 Mashed Potatoes, 0.25 cup 40 9 0 1 Green Beans French style, 0.25 cup 10 2 0 1

Subway 6" Turkey Breast Sub, 1 serving 281 46 5 18 Subway Tomato (3 wheels), 1 serving 7 2 1 0 Subway Mayonnaise (1 Tablespoon), 1 serving 111 0 12 0 Subway Onions, 1 serving 5 1 0 0 Subway Green Peppers (3 strips), 1 serving 2 0 0 0 Subway Lettuce, 1 serving 3 0 0 0

candy, 1 serving 55 7 3 1 Bread, italian, 1 slice, large (4-1/2" x 3-1/4" x 3/4") 81 15 1 3 Cream Cheese, 1 tbsp 51 0 5 1 Mozzarella Cheese, part skim milk, 1 oz 72 1 5 7 Onions, raw, 1 rings 2 1 0 0 Butter, unsalted, 1 tbsp 102 0 12 0

CALORIES

CARBS

FAT

PROTEIN

1,319

161

52

57

1200 - 1550

135 - 252

27 - 60

30 - 136

I did 30 minutes of cardio today.

So, i am looking for a website that has healthy recipes on it.  I am actually looking for something I can prepare at home then bring to work in the morning.  Anybody have any ideas?

 

So, I had to take my daughter Zoey (kitty cat) to get her vaginer taken out today.  Poor girl, I bet she will hate me when I pick her up!!!!  I can't pick her up until after work tomorrow.  I will sure be lonely tonight with out her.  She sleeps on my head, and I bet I will have a cold head tonight.  I had to stop feeding her at 8pm last night, and she was sooo hungry this morning. 

Last night though, I was cooking dinner, and started craving a diet dr pepper.  So, I ran to the gas station, and i guess accidentally left the door open.  So, I get home, and Zoey isn't inside.  (She is an inside cat).  I am on the top floor of a 2 story apartment.  I start running down the stairs screaming her name, and I guess I scared her, so she ran up the top of the stairs, got up on the railing, and I swear I saw wings expand from her body, she flew into the wall, and slid down.  I ran down and scraped her up and took her back up to the cozy nest I call home.  That damn cat scratched the fuck outta my hand! 

Banana, fresh, 1 medium (7" to 7-7/8" long) 109 28 1 1 Cream Cheese, Fat Free, 5 grams 5 0 0 1 Granulated Sugar, 1 tsp 16 4 0 0 davids deli bagels honey wheat, 1 serving 220 44 1 8

South Beach Individual Pepperoni Pizza, 1 serving 290 33 10 31

Kraft Barbecue Sauce Original, 2 tbsp 39 9 0 0 Onions, raw, 2 tbsp chopped 8 2 0 0 Soy Sauce, 2 tsp 6 1 0 1 Pork Chops (pork loin), roasted, 1 piece, cooked, excluding refuse (yield from 1 lb raw meat with refuse) 460 0 21 64 Mashed Potatoes, 1 cup 201 39 3 6 Green Beans French style, 0.5 cup 20 4 0 1

Kiwi Fruit, 1 fruit without skin, medium 46 11 0 1

CALORIES

CARBS

FAT

PROTEIN

1,420

175

36

113

1200 - 1550

135 - 252

27 - 60

30 - 136

CALORIES

CARBS

FAT

PROTEIN

Banana, fresh, 0.5 medium (7" to 7-7/8" long) 54 14 0 1 Granulated Sugar, 1 tsp 16 4 0 0 Cream Cheese, Fat Free, 5 grams 5 0 0 1 davids deli bagel honey wheat, 1 serving 220 15 1 8 Peanuts, all types, dry-roasted (with salt), 5 peanut 29 1 2 1

Healthy Choice Country Herb Chicken Frozen Dinner, 1 serving 280 37 6 18

None

Kiwi Fruit, 1 fruit without skin, medium 46 11 0 1 miller lite beer, 10 serving 950 20 0 0 Apples, fresh, 0.5 cup slices 32 8 0 0

CALORIES

CARBS

FAT

PROTEIN

1,633

111

10

29

1200 - 1550

135 - 252

27 - 60

30 - 136

BREAKFAST: EGG WHITES AND TOAST

LUNCH: RIBS, SALAD WITH FAT FREE DRESSING, STEAMED VEGGIES

DINNER: 1 PIECE PIZZA, I BREADSTICK

LOTS OF BEER. 

BREAKFAST: BAGEL, CARROT

LUNCH: HEALTHY CHOICE MEAL

DINNER: WENT TO LAPAZ.........AND DRANK LOTS OF BEER

 

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to
the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take
my
shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get
undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my
leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife
STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps,
throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and
shout,
"WHO'S HORNY" ... and she acts like she is asleep every time."

George Carlin's new rules for 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket — water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place

BREAKFAST: BAGEL

LUNCH: LEFT OVER SUBWAY & DIET DR PEPPER

DINNER:

Crispy Barbecue Chicken Dinner Recipe Rating: Prep Time: 10 min Total Time: 30 min Makes: 8 servings, 1 chicken breast, 1/2 cup coleslaw and 3/4 cup corn each Nutrition Information Kraft Kitchens Tips Ratings and comments You may also enjoy

1 bag (16 oz.) coleslaw blend 3/4 cup KRAFT LIGHT DONE RIGHT! Zesty Italian Reduced Fat Dressing 1/2 cup KRAFT Original Barbecue Sauce 1 pkt. SHAKE 'N BAKE Extra Crispy Seasoned Coating Mix 8 small boneless skinless chicken breast halves (about 2 lb.) 6 cups hot steamed corn

PREHEAT oven to 400°F. Toss coleslaw blend and dressing; cover. Refrigerate until ready to serve. PLACE barbecue sauce and coating mix in separate pie plates or shallow dishes. Dip chicken in barbecue sauce, then in coating mixture, turning over to evenly coat both sides of each chicken piece. Place in single layer in aluminum foil-lined 15x10x1-inch baking pan. Discard any remaining coating mixture. BAKE 20 min. or until chicken is cooked through (170°F). Serve with the coleslaw and corn. EXERCISE: SIT UPS AND SUCH

	Nutrition (per serving)
	Calories	360
	Total fat	6g
	Saturated fat	1.5g
	Cholesterol	65mg
	Sodium	930mg
	Carbohydrate	48g
	Dietary fiber	5g
	Sugars	12g
	Protein	30g
	Vitamin A	30%DV
	Vitamin C	50%DV
	Calcium	6%DV